In recent months, I have made an addition to my most frequently used mantra, ie
'Nothing's perfect; no-one's perfect' and it is, 'I'm not perfect!'
This has helped me quite a lot in situations where someone has hurt or upset me. I am not a person who can easily react when hurt. My reaction goes inwards and I brood and 'go over' the injustice or 'unfairness' as I perceive it and cogitate over what I might or could or should have said in response.
I often spend hours writing letters in my head (or sometimes on my notepad) which I rarely send. (On the few occasions when I have actually sent the letters, it has been known to backfire, although sometimes, with the right person, it can be constructive. *See below.)
If, however, in the ensuing moments of a hurtful (to me) incident, I manage to walk away and whisper to myself, "Well maybe I wouldn't have done or said that particular type of thing or behaved in that particular way, but there are many ways in which I fall short of what I believe is the right way to behave.
I have found that this can help to take away the sting.
(*It once took me five years to write a letter to a very close friend to explain how I had felt about a very stinging comment she had made. I was then really scared about what her response might be.
Almost by return of post, she sent me the most lovely reply with a very sincere apology and it restored our friendship to what it was - and still is today - so it can work.)
Friday 23 November 2018
Tuesday 20 November 2018
About anchors
Everyone needs an anchor.
Without an anchor,
we can all so easily be swept away
in the tsunami of life.
Without an anchor,
we can all so easily be swept away
in the tsunami of life.
Friday 16 November 2018
About men and women without each other
These two images came to mind recently.
A man without his loved one is like a coat without a body.
A woman without her loved one is like a body without a coat.
The first of the two may be based on a line in a poem I read in the magazine of the Poetry Society, many years ago, when I was a student at Liverpool University, which has always stayed with me.
"I am a coat on a hanger whose owner is never coming back."
I found that such a vivid image that I have never forgotten it.
These are very broad generalisations, but I feel that there is a certain poetic truth within them.
Some images from nature came into my mind.
Looking at fruit, in particular, an orange has a tough skin and tender fruit An apple has a 'not quite so tough' skin and a 'not quite so tough' fruit. It seems that the tenderness of the fruit complements the toughness of the skin.
The fruit without the skin is worthless, the orange dries up and the apple turns brown. The skins dry out, shrivel up and harden.
A man without his loved one is like a coat without a body.
A woman without her loved one is like a body without a coat.
The first of the two may be based on a line in a poem I read in the magazine of the Poetry Society, many years ago, when I was a student at Liverpool University, which has always stayed with me.
"I am a coat on a hanger whose owner is never coming back."
I found that such a vivid image that I have never forgotten it.
Some images from nature came into my mind.
Looking at fruit, in particular, an orange has a tough skin and tender fruit An apple has a 'not quite so tough' skin and a 'not quite so tough' fruit. It seems that the tenderness of the fruit complements the toughness of the skin.
The fruit without the skin is worthless, the orange dries up and the apple turns brown. The skins dry out, shrivel up and harden.
Maybe we could say bodies need coats and coats need bodies so maybe the corollary could be made that says men and women in general need each other.
Of course, as with all generalisations, this is never going to always be the case.
About the strengths of men and women
Women have a certain inner strength and men have a certain outer strength.
That is why we need each other.
I mean no disparagement to either
because, of course, men have inner strengths
and women have outer strengths.
I just liked the image.
That is why we need each other.
I mean no disparagement to either
because, of course, men have inner strengths
and women have outer strengths.
I just liked the image.
Wednesday 31 October 2018
Friday 12 October 2018
Anecdotes to illustrate why facing and telling the truth is the best policy
One of my Aunties ran a cafe and, when I was about 13 or 14, she let me have her complimentary ticket for the local cinema, which they allocated to local traders. Horror of horrors, but completely typical of my scattered-brained teenage self - I lost it!
I was really scared about telling her but had to face it out. When I plucked up the courage, it turned out that it was just a one-off slip and she could easily replace it. What a relief that was!!
The second tale did not have such a good outcome. Rarely, maybe on just 2 occasions, I pretended to be ill in order to avoid school, because we were going to have a test that I hadn't revised for.
However, sadly for me as it turned out, the test had been put off till the following day when I went back. That taught me a lesson all right!!
I was really scared about telling her but had to face it out. When I plucked up the courage, it turned out that it was just a one-off slip and she could easily replace it. What a relief that was!!
The second tale did not have such a good outcome. Rarely, maybe on just 2 occasions, I pretended to be ill in order to avoid school, because we were going to have a test that I hadn't revised for.
However, sadly for me as it turned out, the test had been put off till the following day when I went back. That taught me a lesson all right!!
About how easily 'bad stuff' can escalate
This was my train of thought, whilst sitting in a coach on the way to the airport after a holiday in Austria.
Conclusion: EVERYTHING ESCALATES
Every time we try to cover up our tracks, we create more tracks to hide!
So -
WE SHOULD FACE THE TRUTH - OWN UP - TAKE THE RAP.
IT'S NEVER AS BAD AS WE THINK IT MIGHT BE.
It's certainly not as bad as one lie leading to another, then another and so on.
So -
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THIS:
- Traffic jam - lorries being made late - would they ever try to alter their tachographs to cover the delay.
- "Therese Raquin" by Emile Zola - wife and lover murder husband - need to tell one more lie after another.
- Betting debts - take (ie steal) a small amount of money at first to cover debts - more debt - more money taken - more trouble.
Conclusion: EVERYTHING ESCALATES
Every time we try to cover up our tracks, we create more tracks to hide!
So -
WE SHOULD FACE THE TRUTH - OWN UP - TAKE THE RAP.
IT'S NEVER AS BAD AS WE THINK IT MIGHT BE.
It's certainly not as bad as one lie leading to another, then another and so on.
So -
THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THIS:
- TELL THE TRUTH,
- BE, AND SAY, SORRY
- MAKE AMENDS AS BEST WE CAN.
Thursday 11 October 2018
About Lauren Zhang, the music of Scarlatti and Bach and the wonders of You Tube
As I write this, Lauren Zhang, performing the Scarlatti piece she played at this year's BBC Young Musician of the Year competition, is playing in the background. As soon as I heard her playing that night, I was entranced and wanted her to win.
It reminded me that I have two (very old) LPs which include Scarlatti pieces. One of the LPs is a Peter Katin Piano Recital (1971) and the other is John Williams Greatest Hits (1974)!! On both the piano and the guitar, the sonatas have a sparkling, delightfully joyous and rhythmical beauty which I find captivating.
It came to me that Scarlatti's music is like Bach's but 'prettier' perhaps, not quite so pulsating and passionate. Maybe everyone doesn't find those qualities in Bach but I do and that is why I love his music so much.
Bach's 1st piano (keyboard) concerto would be my own choice as one of the greatest examples of this. Through the wonder of YouTube, I have just magicked it up before my very eyes.
A wonderful pianist named Polina Osetinskaya is bringing it into our living room and I am nearly as close to her as the young lady who is unobtrusively turning the pages of her music.
As I watch every move of her amazing hands and fingers, I'm thinking to myself, "What more could anyone want to bring an evening to its end?" In my case, nothing.
It reminded me that I have two (very old) LPs which include Scarlatti pieces. One of the LPs is a Peter Katin Piano Recital (1971) and the other is John Williams Greatest Hits (1974)!! On both the piano and the guitar, the sonatas have a sparkling, delightfully joyous and rhythmical beauty which I find captivating.
It came to me that Scarlatti's music is like Bach's but 'prettier' perhaps, not quite so pulsating and passionate. Maybe everyone doesn't find those qualities in Bach but I do and that is why I love his music so much.
Bach's 1st piano (keyboard) concerto would be my own choice as one of the greatest examples of this. Through the wonder of YouTube, I have just magicked it up before my very eyes.
A wonderful pianist named Polina Osetinskaya is bringing it into our living room and I am nearly as close to her as the young lady who is unobtrusively turning the pages of her music.
As I watch every move of her amazing hands and fingers, I'm thinking to myself, "What more could anyone want to bring an evening to its end?" In my case, nothing.
Saturday 29 September 2018
About a sunset
Written a couple of months ago
The sky was on fire tonight.
A cauldron spread across the horizon.
A thin dark-grey cloud, hung above it, like a wispy umbrella.
I watched it as I lay in bed, until I fell asleep.
What wonder, what beauty - and free for all to behold,
who are looking!
The sky was on fire tonight.
A cauldron spread across the horizon.
A thin dark-grey cloud, hung above it, like a wispy umbrella.
I watched it as I lay in bed, until I fell asleep.
What wonder, what beauty - and free for all to behold,
who are looking!
About avoidance and anxiety
AVOIDANCE MAGNIFIES ANXIETY
I once heard an explanation of this which went as follows:
If we are anxious about a situation but don't feel up to dealing with it, we can shut down and avoid the issue, whatever it might be.
Sadly, however, this has the effect of magnifying the problem because, although we have put off dealing with whatever it is, it is still there, so we increase, rather than decrease the anxiety.
I once heard an explanation of this which went as follows:
If we are anxious about a situation but don't feel up to dealing with it, we can shut down and avoid the issue, whatever it might be.
Sadly, however, this has the effect of magnifying the problem because, although we have put off dealing with whatever it is, it is still there, so we increase, rather than decrease the anxiety.
The problem could have increased too by the very act of denial and become ever more difficult to deal with.
Wednesday 12 September 2018
About real love
Love is a gift.
Love cannot be demanded or expected or possessive.
Anyone who demands or expects love
will forever be unfulfilled.
Love cannot be demanded or expected or possessive.
Anyone who demands or expects love
will forever be unfulfilled.
Thursday 6 September 2018
Sunday 5 August 2018
About living in our own world
We all live in our own world, generally speaking,
doing the best we can and muddling through.
No-one's world is exactly the same as anyone else's,
no two lives, no experiences can be identical.
How then can we judge others?
We can't, of course, but, of course, we do.
Should we, no, but do we, yes.
So let's try to understand and forgive ourselves,
and others, for ours and their mistakes,
and struggle on, trying to do the best we can.
doing the best we can and muddling through.
No-one's world is exactly the same as anyone else's,
no two lives, no experiences can be identical.
How then can we judge others?
We can't, of course, but, of course, we do.
Should we, no, but do we, yes.
So let's try to understand and forgive ourselves,
and others, for ours and their mistakes,
and struggle on, trying to do the best we can.
Thursday 12 July 2018
About trying to deal with the imperfections of life
One of the biggest consolations I find in life,
is to try to constantly remind myself that life isn't perfect.
It's so easy for many of us to be fed up with ourselves and all our foolish ways -
and with those of others!
When all the minor, and sometimes major, annoyances of life occur,
if we could remember to keep muttering to ourselves,
"Nothing's perfect; no-one's perfect,"
I'm sure it would help us to minimise the stress
and dissipate the irritation.
Hopefully, this might be a path towards humility, acceptance, calmness,
and peace of mind and heart.
is to try to constantly remind myself that life isn't perfect.
It's so easy for many of us to be fed up with ourselves and all our foolish ways -
and with those of others!
When all the minor, and sometimes major, annoyances of life occur,
if we could remember to keep muttering to ourselves,
"Nothing's perfect; no-one's perfect,"
I'm sure it would help us to minimise the stress
and dissipate the irritation.
Hopefully, this might be a path towards humility, acceptance, calmness,
and peace of mind and heart.
Tuesday 3 July 2018
About a World cup sweep - and how much we all know
The following thought was apropos of a conversation between me and husband about a family World Cup sweep based on match scores, for which his knowledge was required.
H, who is, by my reckoning, a world-class authority on football (he should be, considering the number of matches he's watched!), was doubting his predictions.
Having poopooed his denial of expertise, this was my philosophical response.
We all know a lot more than we think we know,
but the most important thing to know
is how much we don't know.
H, who is, by my reckoning, a world-class authority on football (he should be, considering the number of matches he's watched!), was doubting his predictions.
Having poopooed his denial of expertise, this was my philosophical response.
We all know a lot more than we think we know,
but the most important thing to know
is how much we don't know.
Tuesday 19 June 2018
About trying to keep cancer at bay with a healthy lifestyle
Background
- I've had an experience of cancer myself, as has son-at-home.
- I had surgery and he had chemotherapy.
- I've read a couple of books about it.
- I've read articles and have watched and listened to various programmes over the years.
- The following are the thoughts and ideas I've gleaned from all that.
- I noted them down for someone who was dealing with the after-effects of breast cancer.
- I thought they might be of interest to others so have decided to jot them down here.
- Cancer is our own cells behaving badly.
- We can try to do everything which might help our bodies to get and keep these overactive cells in order.
- We can try to have a calm and steady lifestyle and eat healthily.
- I have posted a separate piece on healthy eating.
Tuesday 29 May 2018
About learning to appreciate the value of little things
You need to have a blister on your toe
before you appreciate
the wonder of a sticking plaster!
before you appreciate
the wonder of a sticking plaster!
About 'peddling our wares' with care
The more we 'peddle our wares',
the less valuable they may become.
Let us learn to treasure ourselves as precious vessels
which contain our inner beings,
Let us only allow those to drink from them,
who will value their contents as they should.
the less valuable they may become.
Let us learn to treasure ourselves as precious vessels
which contain our inner beings,
Let us only allow those to drink from them,
who will value their contents as they should.
Tuesday 8 May 2018
About 'going senile'
I've heard it said
that if you think you might be,
you probably aren't!
Let's hope that's true.
that if you think you might be,
you probably aren't!
Let's hope that's true.
Thursday 3 May 2018
About a possible secret of life
One of the secrets of life may lie in knowing
that, to paraphrase 'Manuel', of Fawlty Towers fame,
'"We know nothing!"
Of course, in reality, we all know 'something'
but in the great scheme of things,
all our knowledge is but a drop in the ocean.
It must surely be efficacious and humbling
to constantly remind ourselves of the above.
that, to paraphrase 'Manuel', of Fawlty Towers fame,
'"We know nothing!"
Of course, in reality, we all know 'something'
but in the great scheme of things,
all our knowledge is but a drop in the ocean.
It must surely be efficacious and humbling
to constantly remind ourselves of the above.
About letting go of the past
If we cannot let go of the past,
we cannot take hold of the present,
let alone, the future.
we cannot take hold of the present,
let alone, the future.
Monday 2 April 2018
Tuesday 27 March 2018
On gauging when not to engage
Oh how I wish I could improve in this area!!
Why do I feel the necessity to jump in and add my two-penneth on anything and everything going??!!
How old do you have to be before you begin to learn wisdom?!
PS I had to look up the spelling of two-penneth (short for pennyworth) on google - and yes, I'd spelt it wrongly - and saw a wonderful 'Urban Dictionary' definition, (hadn't heard of that before but very impressed - completely hit the spot!)
Why do I feel the necessity to jump in and add my two-penneth on anything and everything going??!!
How old do you have to be before you begin to learn wisdom?!
PS I had to look up the spelling of two-penneth (short for pennyworth) on google - and yes, I'd spelt it wrongly - and saw a wonderful 'Urban Dictionary' definition, (hadn't heard of that before but very impressed - completely hit the spot!)
Monday 26 March 2018
About the difficulties within relationships
These are some isolated thoughts about the above, put together in no particular order.
They have come to me over the years and are reflections on the subject, developed during that time.
They have come to me over the years and are reflections on the subject, developed during that time.
- Relationships between people who are living together, be they husband and wife, student friends, life partners, are a 'work in progress'! Hang on in there!
- How many of your closest friends could you actually live with!
- In the day-to-day living out of the closest of relationships, it's the little annoyances and irritations that create tensions.
- For many people, addressing such issues is the hardest matter.
- Basically, living with another person/other people is hard but is generally, for most of us perhaps, better than the alternative.
- For some people, the very opposite is true; they'd rather live alone for the whole of their lives than put up with the 'horrors' of other people's ways!
Monday 19 March 2018
About 'life not being fair'
How many times have we all either heard this cry, especially from our children, or felt it ourselves!! Speaking personally, on both counts, many times is the answer.
As a young adult, I read an article head-lined, "Life isn't fair and systems cannot make it so", said to be a quote from President John F. Kennedy. The title resonated with me and has stuck in my head ever since. Before writing about this, I decided to investigate the quote on google. It was very interesting. Below is a summary.
JFK on the Vietnam War: 21.3.62. at a press conference:
"There is always inequity in life." (He then describes how some servicemen in a war situation may have quite protected postings, whilst others have horrendous experiences.) He ends thus, "It is very hard in military or in personal life to assure complete equality. Life is unfair."
This may sound a hard-bitten, even cynical, attitude to some, but I have found it to be, generally, a salutary view. It doesn't seem to matter how hard we may all try to be 'fair'. Somewhere along the line, even with the best intentions in the world, we seem to fall short.
We do not all have an equally good start in life or in the circumstances in which we find ourselves, or in the choices that we are given. That's just how it is and we all have to try to make the best of the hand which we have been dealt.
Then, there are the everyday events of life. Difficult stuff happens, often, with no rhyme or reason that we can fathom, and we just have to cope. To remind myself of this reality, as I would call it, that actually, life isn't fair, helps me.
As a young adult, I read an article head-lined, "Life isn't fair and systems cannot make it so", said to be a quote from President John F. Kennedy. The title resonated with me and has stuck in my head ever since. Before writing about this, I decided to investigate the quote on google. It was very interesting. Below is a summary.
JFK on the Vietnam War: 21.3.62. at a press conference:
"There is always inequity in life." (He then describes how some servicemen in a war situation may have quite protected postings, whilst others have horrendous experiences.) He ends thus, "It is very hard in military or in personal life to assure complete equality. Life is unfair."
This may sound a hard-bitten, even cynical, attitude to some, but I have found it to be, generally, a salutary view. It doesn't seem to matter how hard we may all try to be 'fair'. Somewhere along the line, even with the best intentions in the world, we seem to fall short.
We do not all have an equally good start in life or in the circumstances in which we find ourselves, or in the choices that we are given. That's just how it is and we all have to try to make the best of the hand which we have been dealt.
Then, there are the everyday events of life. Difficult stuff happens, often, with no rhyme or reason that we can fathom, and we just have to cope. To remind myself of this reality, as I would call it, that actually, life isn't fair, helps me.
Friday 16 March 2018
About knocking on doors - the extended version
Have you ever found yourself, as I have, knocking on a door, which no-one answers.
You think someone is in, there should be someone there, someone probably is - but the door remains firmly closed.
What should we do? We should turn and walk away, even though, probably and understandably, with a sigh and a saddened heart.
We need to recognise when not to knock! I am trying to learn to take my own advice!! Thank goodness it's never too late.
For most of us, hopefully, there will be other doors that will be opened by outstretched and welcoming arms, with an invitation to come in, to pull up a chair for a cuppa and a chat - and that will make all the difference!
You think someone is in, there should be someone there, someone probably is - but the door remains firmly closed.
What should we do? We should turn and walk away, even though, probably and understandably, with a sigh and a saddened heart.
We need to recognise when not to knock! I am trying to learn to take my own advice!! Thank goodness it's never too late.
For most of us, hopefully, there will be other doors that will be opened by outstretched and welcoming arms, with an invitation to come in, to pull up a chair for a cuppa and a chat - and that will make all the difference!
Tuesday 13 March 2018
About marriage
Marriage, is where,
if we really work at it,
over the years,
'I' becomes 'we'
and
'me' becomes 'us'.
if we really work at it,
over the years,
'I' becomes 'we'
and
'me' becomes 'us'.
About giving and receiving
It is only as we learn to reach out to others in their need,
that we learn how to receive from others in ours.
that we learn how to receive from others in ours.
Wednesday 28 February 2018
About the myth of 'independence'
We can never be truly independent
because we are intrinsically interdependent.
because we are intrinsically interdependent.
Monday 26 February 2018
About teaching our children to 'care'
We need to help our children to learn that, whilst they are a unique part of the universe, they are not its centre. We need to encourage them, by word and, even more importantly, by example, to care about and for others.
We also need to give them every opportunity within our reach to help them to relate to and make friends with others.
This is crucially important for us all because it is only through being able to forge connections with each other and with the world around us that we can avoid that sense of inner isolation which can make this world a very lonely place.
We also need to give them every opportunity within our reach to help them to relate to and make friends with others.
This is crucially important for us all because it is only through being able to forge connections with each other and with the world around us that we can avoid that sense of inner isolation which can make this world a very lonely place.
Sunday 28 January 2018
About trying to be 'good'
The keyword here is 'trying'.
We all have our own struggles to overcome.
No-one is perfect.
No-one is born into a perfect family and no-one makes perfect decisions all the time.
It's not possible.
We are all human.
All of us are shaped by the circumstances and choices of our own lives.
All we can do is keep trying.
We all have our own struggles to overcome.
No-one is perfect.
No-one is born into a perfect family and no-one makes perfect decisions all the time.
It's not possible.
We are all human.
All of us are shaped by the circumstances and choices of our own lives.
All we can do is keep trying.
Saturday 6 January 2018
Wednesday 3 January 2018
About favourite / most important words
We probably all have our own lists but top of mine happen to be
It was a concept that meant a lot to me from a very young age. Time has not changed my view. Feeling with and for people will always rank as the most important aspect of life for me.
I can remember clearly where I was when the second in my 'important word' pile came to me. It happened in my early weeks as a student in Liverpool. I was walking across the Piazza towards the Victoria building and it came to my mind that this concept was fundamental to all human activity.
Although I ended up teaching maths, after an indifferent career as a science teacher, it has always seemed to me that language is the most important gift of all, as it is the vehicle with which we communicate all the other wonders of life within our Universe.
Other very special words are
I've been meaning to share these special words for a long time so here they are.
- Compassion
- Communication.
It was a concept that meant a lot to me from a very young age. Time has not changed my view. Feeling with and for people will always rank as the most important aspect of life for me.
I can remember clearly where I was when the second in my 'important word' pile came to me. It happened in my early weeks as a student in Liverpool. I was walking across the Piazza towards the Victoria building and it came to my mind that this concept was fundamental to all human activity.
Although I ended up teaching maths, after an indifferent career as a science teacher, it has always seemed to me that language is the most important gift of all, as it is the vehicle with which we communicate all the other wonders of life within our Universe.
Other very special words are
- Love
- Truth
- Integrity
- Caring
- Joy
I've been meaning to share these special words for a long time so here they are.
Tuesday 2 January 2018
Some phrases I like which come into my mind from time to time
- The pot-pourri of our life's experiences
- The cubby-holes of our lives
I'd love to write posts on these, but just in case I don't manage to do so, I wanted to share them.
About bringing joy into the world
Let us all try to strike a spark
to set alight the tinder-box of joy.
to set alight the tinder-box of joy.
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